ESTJs are hardly the most romantic of people. They find it very difficult to express emotions or empathize with others. That’s not to say that they can’t feel love. They can, but they often take a different approach from others. ESTJs will often cautiously approach a potential relationship, often weighing up whether the potential love interest is the right person for them from a practical standpoint e.g. ESTJs aren’t looking for a casual fling. They’re looking for the real deal. If an ESTJ falls in love, they’re committed.
On this page, we want to look at love from the viewpoint of an ESTJ. We’ll start by looking at who ESTJs are attracted to, and what an ESTJ needs in a relationship. We’ll then round off by discussing how ESTJs fall in love, and how they display that love to their partners.
Whether you’re an ESTJ, or considering a relationship with an ESTJ, this is a ‘must read’.
Who Are ESTJs Attracted To?
Let’s start by considering ‘What does an ESTJ need in a relationship?’. As you’ll discover soon, ESTJs don’t fall in love easily. In fact, they are very picky about who they are attracted to. Here, we hope to decipher who an ESTJ may be the most attracted to.
Remember, this is an overview of the traits that an ESTJ will look for in a potential partner. This doesn’t mean that every ESTJ is the same. We can’t help who we fall in love with, after all.
Stability
ESTJs are highly attracted to those that know what they want from their life. If an ESTJ is going to fall for somebody, then they’re going to fall hard. In an ESTJ’s mind, if they are going to get into a relationship, then it is a solid commitment. Marriage or children may be on the cards. An ESTJ is never going to be attracted to somebody that hops in and out of relationships like there’s no tomorrow. ESTJs need stability.
Reliability
ESTJs crave reliability in a relationship. They need honesty from a partner. If a partner says that they are going to do something, then they should do it. If a partner says that they are going to turn up somewhere at a certain time, then they should be there on time (never late!)
ESTJs see reliability as a sign of respect. Remember, a key trait of the ESTJ personality type is reliability. ESTJs look for exactly the same in their relationships.
Independence
ESTJs crave partners that are willing to give them their independence. An ESTJ, despite having an extroverted personality type, doesn’t want to be hounded every minute of every day by their partner. An ESTJ is going to be attracted to somebody who gives them their freedom.
Because of this, you’ll often find that ESTJs are also attracted to people with their own passions and interests in life. An ESTJ will see that this person is independent, and thus much more likely to give them independence.
A Laidback Partner
The worst thing you can do to an ESTJ is to try and control them. ESTJs always fall into the authoritative role, and they don’t like it when people challenge them at that. Yes. We know that this is not the greatest personality trait for a romantic partner. It’s one of the major downsides of ESTJs.
Because of this, ESTJs will often gravitate towards the more laidback, easygoing partners. They want somebody that isn’t going to challenge their authority.
If you can’t deal with being in a relationship with somebody that will constantly come across as ‘bossy’, then an ESTJ probably isn’t for you.
Adventurous
ESTJs are not thinkers, they are doers. They love going out into the big, wide world and creating memories with their partners. They aren’t ones to sit around in front of the TV or read a book.
ESTJs crave adventures. They are very attracted to people that enjoy traveling, going on unique dates, or just ‘doing’ something other than relaxing at home.
Someone That Has Similar World Views to Them
ESTJs are incredibly opinionated people, and once they have an opinion, it is going to be incredibly tough to change it. Therefore, they often end up being attracted to people that have a very similar mindset. It cuts down on conflict in the relationship, and it also means that the ESTJ is never told they’re wrong (which they hate)
A Person That Can Complement Their Ambitions
Finally, ESTJs are incredibly ambitious people. They’re always aiming for the next big thing in life. When they’re attracted to somebody, that person normally complements their ambitions. It may seem ‘cold’, but an ESTJ may see them as a stepping stone toward reaching their life’s goals.
Basically, an ESTJ needs somebody that delivers real, practical value to their life. They want somebody that they can work with to achieve everything they want in life. They don’t want somebody that will work to inhibit them. Remember, an ESTJ will always have a plan for life, and they really don’t want to deviate from that plan.
How ESTJs Fall in Love
ESTJs often don’t fall in love in the same way as other personality types. As we mentioned at the start, love for an ESTJ isn’t heavily steeped in emotion. It is a practical thing. Because of this, it’ll often take a while for an ESTJ to fall in love. This is how it works:
ESTJ Identifies a Potential Partner
We’ve already discussed what an ESTJ looks for in a partner. An ESTJ is going to identify a partner in much the same way that all of us do. They get to know people. Thankfully, this part is incredibly easy for an ESTJ. After all, they are outgoing by nature.
ESTJs won’t really casually date, though. Not unless it is necessary. Because ESTJs prefer long-term relationships (preferably for life), they tend to gravitate toward people that they already know. It saves a lot of time because, hopefully, you already know what those closest to you want from a relationship.
If an ISTJ does want to hit dating sites, they won’t be using things like Tinder (which is really just for casual hookups). They’re likely to be kicking around on the big, paid platforms. Their profiles will often be loaded with information about what they want in a romantic partner and their hopes of where that relationship is should be heading.
ESTJ Checks to See Whether The Relationship Has The Potential to be Long Term
Once an ESTJ has found somebody they might be interested in (which often takes a while), they’ll start testing the viability of that potential partner for a long-term relationship. So, they’re going to ask a lot of questions. At this point, the ESTJ may not feel all that much emotion toward a person. They rarely let themselves fall for somebody unless there is a future in the relationship.
The ESTJ will want to ensure that they and their potential partner are on the same page. It isn’t enough to know that you may want to get married one day but to know that both people have the same idea about getting there. Remember, ESTJs often have a plan for their life, and they really don’t want to deviate from it. Nope. They’re not even going to deviate for somebody that they are in love with.
At the same time, ESTJs will be looking at the rest of the person’s personality. They’ll get a feel for whether their partner will challenge their authority (they don’t like that) and how emotional the person is (they also don’t like this)
ESTJ Starts to Open Up – And They Fall Hard
Once an ESTJ has identified a potential partner, they’ll start falling in love…and they fall in love hard. Trust us, if an ESTJ says that they love somebody, it is likely after weeks, if not months, of almost constant thought weighing up the pros and cons of committing themselves to that person for life.
The ESTJ may start to open up about their feelings a little more. They’ll let their guard down, and they’ll often be more laidback in their attitude. Their key personality traits won’t change, but they’ll be a swing in how they behave around those they like. Some people have likened it to an awkwardness.
ESTJs are incredibly determined too. So, at this point, they’ll really start to pursue the person they’ve fallen in love with. They’ll constantly be there for them (the ESTJ wants to show they’re reliable). An ESTJ is going to make their intentions known. If an ESTJ is in love with you, you’ll know about it.
How ESTJs Show Love and Affection
You won’t find many ESTJs saying ‘I Love You’. Well, they’ll say it, but it always sounds a little bit hollow. ESTJs like to show their love in other ways. Like their personality, ESTJs will be very practical in their approach.
They’ll Be Reliable
To an ESTJ, being reliable is the number one aim in life. ESTJs are incredibly loyal, and they want their partner to know that they’ll always be there when they need them the most. If they plan to do something with their partner, then they’ll make sure that they do it. They’ll move heaven and earth to keep those appointments.
If you have an ESTJ who is always working hard to be the stability in your life, then you know that they’re head over heels in love with you.
They’ll Strive to Meet the Needs of Their Partner
ESTJs always want to ensure that their partner feels cared for. They want their partner to have a relaxing life, completely free of worry. So, ESTJs show their love & affection for their partner by trying to meet these needs.
ESTJs work incredibly hard in their life to ensure that their partner needs to work as little as possible.
If you have an ESTJ partner and you casually mentioned that you need a certain product to make your life easier, or you are interested in a particular vacation destination, then you can bet your bottom dollar that your ESTJ is going to do everything in their power to make your dreams a reality.
Remember, ESTJs like to control situations. They like to take charge of everything, and meeting the needs of their partner is one way that they showcase this trait.
Gift Giving
ESTJs love to give gifts to their romantic partners. They won’t be your standard romantic gift, though. You’ll rarely see an ESTJ turn up on your doorstep with a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolate. Instead, ESTJs love practical gifts.
ESTJs will likely give you something related to your hobby, or something that you have mentioned ‘in passing’. As we said before, it is all about meeting the needs of their partner.
Focus on Dates (Especially Anniversaries)
ESTJs can showcase more romantic emotions sometimes, though. ESTJs love to focus on special anniversaries. It could be birthdays, wedding anniversaries, the date of your first date, etc. If there is an important milestone in an ISTJ’s life, then they’re going to celebrate it.
It isn’t uncommon to find ESTJs celebrating milestones that many other couples wouldn’t. It is part of their charm. When you’re with an ESTJ, you really do feel as if every moment in your relationship has been special.
Final Thoughts
ESTJs don’t fall in love easily. They are not one for casual dating. Instead, when they look for a relationship, they look for something that has the potential to be long-term. They’ll see it as a waste of their time otherwise.
When an ESTJ does fall in love with a person, they’ll do everything to hold onto them. You’ll rarely find an ESTJ walking await from somebody that they love. They always strive to fix any relationship woes (often causing them much heartbreak).
You’ll know an ESTJ has started to fall for you if they open up a little bit more, start to give more gifts, or make efforts to demonstrate their reliability. Remember, once they commit, they really commit.
FAQs
What Do ESTJs Look For in a Partner?
Primarily, ESTJs are looking for a partner that can give them a long-term relationship. They need a partner that offers stability and reliability. They also need a more laid-back person so that the ESTJ can take a more authoritative role in the relationship.
