Like any personality type, ESFJs can appear complex in their mannerisms, traits, and behaviors. At times they may even seem like a walking embodiment of contradictions. The initial impression is that they care deeply for others and are exceptionally kind. You might find yourself concerned by this abundance of kindness and wonder if perhaps there is some other motivation behind it?
ESFJs do not harbor narcissistic tendencies but can be controlling and manipulative to get what they want out of a relationship or situation. This is hardly ever done with malevolence and is often displayed through acts of genuine, sometimes misguided, kindness.
Narcissism and manipulation often go hand in hand. ESFJs demonstrate this type of behavior very well. However, it is quite possible for a person to be manipulative and even controlling without being narcissistic.
ESFJ Personality Traits
ESFJs (Extraversion, Sensing, Feeling, and Judgement) fall under the “Sentinels” classification and then are further categorized as a “consul” within that group. This already indicates that they are the empathic protectors within this personality realm. This is based on the Myers-Briggs personality types.
Strengths And Weaknesses Of ESFJs
Every personality type is comprised of both good and bad. Some personality weaknesses may seem more evident and vice versa. When looking at the two sides of an ESFJ, it will become clear why their type may come across as contrary.
| Strengths | Weaknesses |
| Sociable | Need for control |
| Good listeners | Does not adapt well to change |
| Genuine interest in people | They can seem closed-minded and stay within their comfort zone |
| Empathic | Needy- the need for validation and approval |
| Supportive and helpful | Overly sensitive |
| They make people feel good about themselves | Insecure |
| Peacekeepers | They can be critical and intolerant, especially if it goes against their belief system |
| Strong morals | They do not take criticism well |
| Organized | Manipulative |
Signs Of A Manipulative Narcissist
Human beings are imperfect creatures. At any point, most of us are capable and even prone to narcissism and manipulation, sometimes without even realizing it. On their own, these two things may vary in degrees of escalation and damage. In most cases, subtle or unconscious manipulation and narcissism (on their own) can be reasonably harmless or even go unnoticed.
The combination of these two traits can have a devastating and psychologically damaging outcome on whoever it is aimed at.
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissism is a blatant and severe form of self-absorption which results in ignorance of the needs and feelings of others. In extreme cases of narcissism, the narcissist in question won’t even be aware or comprehend that their behavior has a negative impact on others.
Narcissistic Traits Include:
- Manipulative behavior
- Arrogance
- Entitlement
- Lack of empathy
- A constant need for validation
- Superiority complex
Manipulative Behavior Explained
Manipulation is the act of using and sometimes abusing your power or influence over a person or situation. A manipulative person will exploit another person’s weaknesses and insecurities, which will allow them to maintain a much-desired sense of control and power over their “victim.” The manipulator will benefit the most from the carefully curated circumstances.
As mentioned before, the degree of manipulation will vary. And if a person is well versed in this area, their tactics may even go unrecognized at first.
Manipulation has many faces. Even acts of love, kindness, sympathy, and helplessness can be used as a tool.
Signs of manipulation include:
- Mind games
- The misuse of intimate knowledge of a person’s insecurities
- Blaming
- Guilt-tripping
- Creating co-dependency
- Lying
- Gaslighting
Specific instances of manipulation are carried out with the best intentions at times. Sometimes a person doing the manipulating may not even believe that what they are doing is immoral or even considered manipulation in their opinion. But in the end, it remains abuse of power and influence.
It is rare for a person with narcissistic behavior to be without manipulative tendencies. Manipulative behavior can exist independently without the person being a complete narcissist. ESFJs will fall into the latter category.
Can ESFJs Be Controlling?
Generally speaking, this personality type is far too contentious, protective, and empathic to be considered narcissistic. ESFJs are prone to being controlling and manipulative.
This personality type is astute in recognizing people’s needs and emotions. It is easy for a person to feel comfortable around an ESFJ due to their genuinely caring disposition and high EQ.
This type can seem somewhat contradictory because they are considered practical, responsible, and dependable – but are often ruled by feeling and emotion rather than logic.
ESFJs are known to be the type that wants to be in control of everything around them.
This likely stems from their traditionalism, unquestioning strict law-abiding ways, and their need for structure and organization. They fail to have sympathy for and will judge those who stray from this path.
Are ESFJs Possessive?
ESFJs are known to be “peacekeepers” of the Sentinel group and wouldn’t do anything that would cause any kind of deliberate harmful disruption. With the need for control comes manipulation. An ESFJs use of manipulative tactics may come off as self-righteous to some, but it’s often under the guise of doing it “for your own good.”
So while they may be inclined to have possessive feelings, it is unlikely that they will act on them or make it known. Their actions do not intend nor have any desire to “possess” someone they care about.
While the ESFJ’s intentions may seem solely for your benefit, they are, in fact, also getting what they want in the end. And what they want most is control, structure, and approval. Their happiness is often dependent on them pleasing or bringing joy to others. But not everyone has a similar definition of happiness and harmony as an ESFJ.
The Best Way To Handle A Controlling Or Manipulative ESFJ
If you are in any kind of a relationship with an ESFJ and you are finding yourself having issues with their controlling and manipulation (even though it is well-intentioned), navigating this will be somewhat tricky. Keep in mind that they are sensitive and will see your opinion as criticism.
Try:
- Appealing to the people pleaser in them.
- Explain in a kind and gentle way that their actions do not make you feel comfortable.
- Offer up a suggestion of a healthy boundary that will appease both of you.
- Be sure to acknowledge the good intentions that they had and praise them for it.
- Remind them that it is vital for them to take care of themselves as well as allow others to take care of them.
- Make it clear that constantly controlling their environment does not always equate to harmony.
Conclusion
ESFJs are less likely to be narcissistic in a negative way but will try to have control when it comes to their relationships. There is a slight risk of someone being manipulative without narcissism, as it is harder to recognize without a narcissistic personality’s very obvious red flags.
Any manipulation you may experience at the hand of an ESFJ shouldn’t be damaging or harmful to you in a psychological way. But you should always be aware of these traits. Be kind to your ESFJs, and they will be kind to you.
