Decisive, pragmatic, and leadership-oriented, ESTJs are a common group from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). With any group of people, it’s important to be mindful of your words and how they might come across, but with ESTJs, you might want to avoid the following phrases:
- Let’s go with the flow
- Follow your intuition
- Forget the facts
- Just relax
- Don’t overthink it
- Let’s do something spontaneous!
- That’s a grey area
- I don’t want advice
- It doesn’t matter if we’re late
- Stop arguing with me
- Don’t be so critical
- Stop making excuses
- Stop making rules
- I don’t want to help
- Tell me about your feelings
- Trust me
- Pick one—it doesn’t matter
- You don’t know what you’re doing
- You’re doing it wrong
- Your ideas are pointless
- It’s going to be ok
- Take a break
- How are you?
- Don’t make this personal
- I feel like…
Let’s explore each of these phrases to see why they don’t mesh with an ESTJ personality and how they can be rephrased differently.
Let’s Go with the Flow
Spontaneity is a foreign concept to ESTJs, who spend most of their lives following a rigid, ordered schedule they’ve created for themselves. Oftentimes, ESTJs find it difficult to understand activities that aren’t purposeful or meaningful in some way, so it’s often best to rephrase your invitation to sound more ordered, such as saying, “I’m planning X event at Y time to do Z activity.”
Follow Your Heart
Aside from being overused and cliché, “follow your heart” isn’t actionable advice for anyone, and it may seem particularly insulting to ESTJs, who prioritize critical thinking and dislike abstraction. Using wishy washy language won’t score you any points and may seem dismissive of the person’s struggles or difficulties. Where possible, try to include actionable steps when offering insights to an ESTJ.
Forget the Facts
Asking an ESTJ to forget the facts is anathema to them. By nature, ESTJs use logical thinking to structure their lives and make rational decisions. The facts are what guide their thought processes, and dismissing logical thinking isn’t productive for them.
Instead of expressing frustration over their dogmatic thinking, it’s better to be direct and forward: “I understand you’re thinking logically, but here’s another perspective you may not have considered.”
Just Relax
Relaxation doesn’t come easily to ESTJs, and they are likely self-aware of that difficulty. Pointing it out is a double blow. Not only does it emphasize their personal difficulty, but saying, “Just relax” isn’t actionable advice and will likely be frustrating to an ESTJ to hear. Instead of making an emotional appeal, reason with their logical side: “Take a step back and give yourself some time. That way, you can think clearly later.”
Don’t Overthink It
As people who think critically about anything and everything, expressing frustration at an ESTJ for overthinking is likely to be met with annoyance.
To someone else, an ESTJ’s propensity to think an issue to death might seem over the top, but without strong emotional motivations, ESTJs rely on critical thinking to weigh their decisions carefully and completely. Give them time and listen; doing so demonstrates empathy and respect.
Let’s Do Something Spontaneous!
As mentioned, the idea of doing something for the sake of doing it is utterly mortifying to an ESTJ, who would much rather have a structured plan.
An aimless drive or meandering through the mall isn’t enjoyable to an ESTJ for the same reason it is enjoyable to others: there’s no point. For many, it’s an opportunity to enjoy life as it comes, but it might be better to structure your plans or try to strike a balance with an ESTJ friend.
That’s a Grey Area
Abstraction is difficult for ESTJs to appreciate, which is why they can seem so dogmatic and forward at times.
Defining something as a grey area may sound dismissive and unhelpful, especially if an ESTJ is asking for advice. As always, actionable words are preferable. Rather than defining something as a grey area, it may be better to define something as nuanced or complex, as well as explaining why.
I Don’t Want Advice
ESTJs are often leaders and administrators, and for good reason: they are great at structuring their time and planning for others. At times, they can seem controlling and overbearing; however, many ESTJs are just trying to help, albeit in a direct way.
Dismissing the advice they give you out of hand can be hurtful to your relationship. Instead, you might consider simply saying, “Thank you for the advice.” If the advice-giving becomes overbearing, it’s best to address why you don’t perceive the advice as helpful using simple, logical terms.
It Doesn’t Matter If We’re Late
Tardiness is a cardinal sin to ESTJs, who prioritize order. It may be difficult for ESTJs to understand that in some social contexts, an arrival time is just a suggestion. Where possible, try to accommodate them by arriving on time—doing so certainly doesn’t detriment you.
Stop Arguing with Me
Accusing an ESTJ of being argumentative usually isn’t productive. As logical thinkers, ESTJs might believe they’re being helpful by playing the devil’s advocate or challenging your opinions. While it’s important to address toxic or belittling language, try to resolve the conflict without resorting to accusatory language, especially when dealing with an ESTJ.
Don’t Be So Critical
Again, when ESTJs critique your thinking, they’re often simply trying to improve upon your ideas or plans. That may seem pedantic at times, but where possible, it’s better to engage the feedback that ESTJs provide. A little constructive criticism does us all good from time to time.
Stop Making Excuses
Calling out an ESTJ for excuses is detrimental because ESTJs often have a framework to justify their actions. Demeaning that framework is to belittle them as a person and isn’t productive in the context of a friendship.
Stop Making Rules
Even if you identity some negative traits in an ESTJs obsession with structure, demanding they stop making rules without a logical basis will be met with frustration. Rules structure an ESTJ’s life, so it’s important not to be dismissive of their way of life out of hand.
I Don’t Feel Like It
Just as you shouldn’t call an ESTJ lazy or excusive, you shouldn’t use emotion as a basis to avoid engaging with them or helping. ESTJs may struggle to understand emotional motivations, so you should try to explain your reasoning where appropriate.
Tell Me about Your Feelings
ESTJs are often seen as emotionless, but the truth is that they simply place a lesser emphasis on emotional reasoning. They struggle to open up, and prompting an ESTJ to talk about their feelings will cause them to shut down. While some people benefit immensely from venting, ESTJs do not, unless it’s in service of an actionable solution.
Trust Me
Trust is earned, and that’s certainly true with ESTJs. Trying to fast-track your way to an emotional connection with an ESTJ will not work. Instead, it’s best to demonstrate your trustworthiness over time and allow them to open up as needed.
Pick One—It Doesn’t Matter
Expressing frustration when an ESTJ labors over a decision is harmful because it minimizes the importance of the decision-making process, which is crucial to an ESTJ. Be patient and let them come to a decision by themselves.
You Don’t Know What You’re Doing
Baseless accusatory language isn’t helpful in any context, but for ESTJs, who think critically about everything they do, being accused of incompetence is extremely hurtful and should be avoided.
You’re Doing It Wrong
Similarly, “you’re doing it wrong” doesn’t provide actionable advice and is very dismissive of an ESTJ’s way of thinking. Instead, it’s better to approach the situation clearly, providing clear steps to improvement.
Your Ideas Are Pointless
No one wants their ideas dismissed out of hand, but ESTJs may find this especially hurtful when no reasoning is provided. As such, try to propose an alternative: “I don’t think that’s a good idea because of X. Instead, let’s try Y.”
It’s Going to Be Ok
Affirmations like this are comforting to many, but when an ESTJ tells you about a problem, it’s usually in pursuit of a solution. As such, try to avoid emotional language and stick to action-oriented wording.
Take a Break
ESTJs are prone to overworking themselves and telling an ESTJ to just “take a break” will usually be met with “I have too much to do.” If you’re concerned about someone working too hard, it might be better to explain why overworking results in lower quality work and that resting will improve productivity in the future.
How Are You?
Senseless formalities are lost on an ESTJ, nothing more so than the overused “How are you?” followed by a “Good.” Instead, it’s better to introduce yourself with a simple “Hello,” rather than inviting an ESTJ to join in a customary formality that doesn’t serve a purpose.
Don’t Make This Personal
Accusing an ESTJ of being overly personal can be insulting because ESTJs rarely have a personal agenda. Most often, their focus is logic, structure, and efficiency. As such, it’s better to point out alternative solutions or perspectives than to be accusatory.
I Feel Like…
Again, using an emotional framework for an argument is likely to be lost on the logically minded ESTJ. Just as in writing, it’s best to use simple, concise wording to get your point across. “Let’s do X” or “Y will help…”
Final Thoughts
ESTJs are pragmatic, objective, and sometimes, completely baffling to other people. Meeting them on their level can be a challenge for many. Hopefully, this list of phrases and alternative approaches can help you engage with ESTJs and avoid being dismissive of their ideas and plans.
Reference Sources
ESTJ Personality Type (simplypsychology.org) 10 Things You Should Never Say to an ESTJ – Psychology Junkie
